Fixed For Nothing

I just came back from my girlfriend’s house, staying over the night before celebrating our 20th month together, getting her favourite Casablancas, bringing her to dinner, taking her to fun fair and ended up vomiting the RM27.50 dinner she had earlier. What a day, i must say. What. A. Day. It was great to see my girlfriend succumb to the ill effects of thrill rides while i stood there only experiencing heavy nauseatic sensation :lol:

Today’s morning drive back home was familiar, not because of the road i’ve taken but the way i’ve felt the same way months ago or should i say years ago. It was something that i dread about, something which i am looking to avoid ever since i started falling in love. Things don’t really change afterall, they just went for a spin and then they come back and haunt the shi- out of your life and this time, they are planning to stay longer than the previous time they were here to visit.

I thought i will not be able to embark on a journey like this anymore but i was wrong. I just did again today morning. Things have i fixed, fixed for nothing. Listening to Fray’s Don’t Let Me Go made me feel better, actually it didn’t. I think i just feel that it’s rather pathetic to have a song that seems to understand me and to comfort me when my head was literally filled with unwanted thoughts for a good 1 1/2 hour of drive. This time, it’s worst. I had to rely on externals just so that i could calm down and get some sleep. Ironic.

There’s some things we don’t talk about,
Rather do without,
And just hold the smile.

But then again, things changed i guess but not for the better at least on my side. Things no longer feel and stay the same. It just don’t and why is this happening? I wished God would give me an explanation or a clear answer on what i should do during times like this but wishes don’t really come true for me. I wished for the sake of wishing, like how i told my girlfriend, at least it gave you a little sense of hope that was never existed to begin with. At least when things did turned out, you can say “OH! I wished for that and it came true”. Something for you to fall back on.

To be honest, God has been there for me for a long long time. There are times when i feel like i cannot go on any longer, He is there to pick me up, dust me clean and push me forward but i don’t know why when i seek His help this time, He’s not around. Maybe this is what God doesn’t approve of but what i am not even seeking of doing anything, just prevention. How can that be evil. If He is not there for me anymore, who will i be relying on now?

If He abandoned me, what is left of me now?

How can i prevent things that i do not want it to happen?

Don’t let me go,
Don’t let me go,
Don’t let me go,
Don’t let me go.

*Wished* i haven’t been compromised because i hate, dislike and don’t want to but i have been. It is an inevitable happening.

Wait & See.