Momento of A Grieving Man

It’s 0349hrs and by right i should be soundly asleep after the sweet sound voice phonecall from that special someone but tonight is an exceptional night. The first night which marks the endless of many to come to which there is no end or an end which i do not recognise. I am not happy, I am unhappy. I seek death as i think with it eternal peace i shall find but where will i find a death which God himself will not turn his head refusing to look at, where? The answer is, there is none. Numbing is the only final alternative option.

Alcohol perhaps, which always works but unfortunately not for long and it demands and inequivalent trade of golds for it, often higher, unfair to the consumer. Furthermore, to a promise which i’ve made or i think i have made to someone throughout the course of my life that i shall shun them unless for feast, i shall not become the beacon that failed for it was the thing that i cared most in my life.

Blackened beans as thick as the poisoned blood will not cast the same effects but i am with much high hope that it will do my health no good and hopefully, time will be swift to depart me. I search for misery, i am a bitter person. I admit as it is the only way to savour the true meaning of life.

I have never in my life felt so uncertain, unsure and confused on what i should do and what is running in my mind. Living with the scales have i turned into one. After all, that is maybe what is attractive of them or maybe there’s more. Never regretting every second.

I have been trying too hard to become something or someone that i will never be in milleniums to come, bending a spoon which is not there but beliefs can do wonders, i believed, believing that a change will do me good, science and facts has failed me more than once. Obsessive control freak i was branded but to whom i shall cry to when all i was doing is to protect what was mine. Is it really enough for one person who truly understands? Shani needs no ones’ approval.

I am shutting myself from the world as of today, oblivious towards the surrounding and trying to see what is it like to be the me “we” once shared and i have to admit, nothing but entertaining but this is not an easy task for i have ran down a path which i once feared to embarked on and in all odds, it has been proven that my fear was right. I have embarked upon a journey of no return, the pathway of death. The path that changed my life, forever. Shani died in an instant.

The totem of thoughts have i picked up along this disastrous journey and a black shadow it has clouded over me. Contradicting mindsets are frequent visitors, caring tagged along. I am officially thinking about what others think and feel, too much for my own good. Not a rewarding consequence probably overrated. Shani needs to be revived!

I was told that people changed, although i still firmly believed in that people don’t change which explained why humans are always inferior against another. I loved the life when the world only revolves between me and her, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. All these was when Shani was still pretty much alive. I need him. Society is just far too demanding, there will never be a correlation existence between them, ever. There can only be one and evidently, the strongest will never be a non-collective agreement. Shani must die.

Over the course of part voluntary and involuntary changing, Janus emerged. One to face the society and one to face the truth. In an empty room, both converse with each other trying to make sense of the world. Nobody understands no one. Janus stands alone in this room. Detachment is the best way to avoid conflicts.

What Dworkin said is probably true, justice is not fairness and has no viable connections. One thing will not lead to the other. What is fairness and what is justice?

5 criminals tried on separate courts for armed robbery and was convicted. Each was sentenced for a 5 years term where particularly the 5th criminal was sentence for a 10 years terms solely on the reason, it was the 5th case and showed a rising of armed robbery cases and there is a need to deter. Is there fairness, there is, for everyone was convicted for armed robbery offences but is there justice, not necessarily so. Why the 5th criminal received 5 years more term compared to the earlier 4?

There is no inherent logic in life, those who demands fairness and justice in life are those who possessed superficial intelligence. This gave footing to why life is unfair, what you give will never amount to what you receive. One will only find a dead end when trying to seek for absolute explanation for every occurance in life for it is illogical and unreasonable. If you love someone, wish for nothing but happiness even it is at your own costs. This is the basis of life!

I feel so alone, not physically but it is my soul who craves for attention. People see me for who i am, not what i am made of which explains the lack of friends i have and when i do made one, they are the best i ever had. Outsiders defined this as snobbish, arrogant and anti-social and to some extend, introverted. Misconceptions!

I yelled at someone who i don’t have an intention to and i regret and i wish there was a way to say i am sorry but it all too late. I am secluding myself from people as a form of punishment, i need to see for myself who i really am and not what the society wants me to be. If you don’t club, you are not cool. That is the perception, but really, who sets the standard of being cool? Likewise, if you don’t do what the society is doing, you are a freak. There is no more individualism anymore.What is plagiarism when plagiarism in itself is a fraud?

If you like a friend who you don’t trust, that’s socializing, if you trust a friend who you don’t like, that’s betrayal. A simple line just needs to be drawn to see the fine distinction between these 2 siblings that seems to go hand in hand.

The level of confusion i have can be clearly seen from what i have typed. I am so mixed up that i don’t know where i should be heading to. I don’t even know who am i looking at staring into the mirror. I now embark upon a new journey, one that i thought that i don’t need to, the journey to search for my true self who got lost. If there’s one thing i’ve learned, I am not God. There are things that i cannot control.